AN ATTEMPT TO FORGET #1

AN ATTEMPT TO FORGET ꘡ My journey to healing ma heart, ma soul. 

When you feel like you're okay. When you feel you're strong. When everything starts to feel normal suddenly reality strikes your face. The pain still there and once again you feel it. The pain that you thought it is gone a long time ago. Damn it hurt more than the previous one. You clench your teeth and pray that this pain will be gone soon. You pray so hard, you can't take it anymore.

At this stage, you will have some thoughts that you rather be dead than have to face the feeling. You are so weak. Miserable but still act strong in the surface but deep inside only god knows how your feeling. It's like a walking entity with no soul, you feel so numb. How you pull yourself up every single day reminds ourself that you have to be strong, so that others don't feel weak being around you. Inside of you just a painful memories and an unfillable void...The things that you do to make you sane is totally insane...

There will be a time when you will prefer to watch sad movies, listen to sad songs because this time you can feel the sadness from the songs. You will have questions that linger in your thought.

" What's my fault?" 

"What I have done?"

I only have a few of my bestie. They usually not involved with my love life, but they always been there when I'm at my weakest.

"Hey, what's up?"

"I broke up with him" 

I'm forcing a smile when meeting her. She just sits quietly next to me and when I started to cry she just hugs me tight without a word. You can't talk because no words can describe your pain at that time and remembering the details just make you bleed again. Thank You, GOD. I still have people who care about me.

What's wrong with me? 

Am I too bad? or am I too good? 

You still being left whether you being a good person or a bad person. Then slowly you will change. You become bitter and so damn cold. You feel by doing that you can protect your heart from being hurt again. At one point you start thinking that it's okay being alone. Anyhow you still manage to survive and live without a man.

"Shit! a nightmare again"

I seldom got a nightmare, but usually when I dream it will be the most horrible and I won't dare to sleep back again. This time it happens again. Woke up in the middle of the night, and don't know what to do. Usually, I will text him because I know he always be there. Guess what, once again I feel so pathetic, not because of the nightmare but the fact that this time you have to deal with the situation alone. You're literally ALONE. The saddest fact that you have to shallow that nite. All these memories make me sick. 

Moving on not that easy...admit that I'm trying..trying so hard. Now I understand why people become so bloody cold. They have been hurting again and again. They have been fighting their own battle. My advice is 

"Be kind to everyone. You never know what they have been dealing with" 

My unconscious mind at 2:53am

to be continue.... 

* Please feel free to change the language (google translate widget at the right column)

AN ATTEMPT TO FORGET ꘡ My journey to healing ma heart, ma soul. 

Did you agree with statement "writing is a therapy "  A lot of people suggests to me to write to express my feelings. yes I'm doing it now because writing help me with my thoughts and emotion. So this is a story about my healing journey.

He used to call me fatty..and i used to call him fatso..

He's a nice man..really nice man..supportive, hadworking and have a kind heart but seems fate have another plan for us. No matter what we try but if ALLAH said “KUN FAYAKUN” (كُنْ فَيَكُونُ) Be and it is.  The pain. The sorrow that you have to bear all the time makes you kinda lose hope in finding a love again. You will think like it is end of the your life. The more you fallen hard for someone, more hurt you will feels. How come world become so cruel?why it is such unfair?There is time you will think like that. I have been there..Big-time. My heart if not completely broken, woefully cracked. And it healed very slowly, very painfully.

So how do you get over a break-up? How long the mourning take? What I can say is it depends on that person itself and it will be different depends on the situation. Let's say you have been dumb because of your boyfriend is a liar, then recovery time might be shorter, because you know that he is not worth it. He is dumb ass. Why would you still begging for him, but if you're the one that cause of the problem you might need more time because the guilty inside you. But one thing that I sure is it takes longer than we want to it to take, and leaves it on its own time.

Deep in my heart.. I still want you, but i know this relationship not gonna work because of your words.

" Don't take things for granted"

and... that moment I realized that you already made up your mind, I know I have to let u go because the true love never hurting the other side. I can feel the pain from your voice. Hey beauty, letting go someone that you love would never be easy. But it is a symbolic that you're strong enough. If it meant to be it will be, but if not, you have to move on..it is sucks..but i will be here with you. Repairing our broken heart together. Looking for stuff to be feed to our empty soul. Ironic it is. 

I don't know...someone might describe broken heart like you being stabbed by thousand of knife, or perhaps falling from a high place, scattered across the ground but if you ask me, it's more like chocking to the death. You can't feel the oxygen. You're dying. Your chest like being presses by something heavy.  You feel the burden. You will start crying over and over until there is no more tears. You will lose your appetite. You don't want to be disturb by anyone, and all the time you just lay on the bed and cry. You cannot think straight. You avoiding to go out, because you don't want to remember those sweet memories when you pass your favorite shop or perhaps places that you always go when in the dating phase because it will hurt you more. The worst part is you lose a best friend, you lose a lover, you realized that no one ever gonna listen to the all crap that you will talk. YES! It's sucks.

will be continue...

PART 2 Here